Somewhat triggering post on infidelity

There is an article in the Times about why people stray from their partners.

i don’t want to reproduce parts of the article, instead you may search for it yourself and the guidance of a therapist is included.

I have had quite a few clients asking for therapy regarding infidelity, the Times article might bring about some idea of the reasons beneath it.

I really don’t wish to trigger anyone with addiction or heartache, so I thought I would simply include some quotes

Lack of emotional connection in the marriage Broken heart “An affair is often the end point of feeling taken for granted,” says Chalmet. “No one wants to feel used. I’ve noticed that women in particular tire of feeling like the waitress at the banquet of their husband’s life.”1740291The Times@thetimes·The sex drought Bed “I’ve heard spouses say: ‘You drove me to it.’ I find in my practice that many men think that their partners don’t want sex. This creates a tension — and they look for the easy solution. The truth is their partners often do want sex, just not bad sex.”945371The Times@thetimes·Sheer boredom Sleeping face “Women often cheat because they’re bored, and tired of waiting for their husband to engage. Men tell me they often become disengaged when their partners stop initiating sex.”528129The Times@thetimes·Fear of intimacy Fearful face “An affair can be a way of sabotaging a ‘safe’ relationship. If someone secretly fears emotional closeness or commitment because it makes them feel vulnerable, they may create a situation that makes the partner more inclined to do just that.”221100The Times@thetimes·Late rebellion “If you were unable to express anger or rebel when you were growing up, having an affair can be an immature way of showing strong emotions.”118113The Times@thetimes·A cry for help❗ “It can be that the one cheating is punishing their partner. An affair can be a toxic way of bringing an intolerable state of distance or stalemate in a relationship to an end, or of trying to regain control if it’s someone who feels unheard by their partner.”11499The Times@thetimes·Emotional immaturity Man shrugging “An affair is an emotionally immature way of acting out your discontent.”320122The Times@thetimes·Low confidence Face with cold sweat “Often you want to prove to yourself that you’re better than the person your lover is married to. The affair is an ego boost.”321100The Times@thetimes·We asked people why they had their affairs. “Being the centre of someone else’s world was intoxicating. My self-esteem soared,” one woman said.21281The Times@thetimes·“And then I arrived home from his house one day, full of joy because he’d told me for the first time that he loved me, and a pile of papers by my computer caught my eye. To my utter horror, I realised they were printouts of all the emails between myself and my lover.”32271The Times@thetimes·“Not only were the emails printed out for me to see I’d been caught out, but my husband had forwarded them to my family, friends — even my children’s school. “I didn’t have much of a marriage to save, but it was my children’s sadness that was the worst.”92081The Times@thetimes·“He tracked down my lover and warned him to stay away from me, which he did. He simply vanished from my life.”

It may be worth buying some books and resources on Amazon written by professionals and marriage counselors specialising in Marriage conflicts. I prefer to counsel on attachment and codependence, quite simply because it is really heartbreaking for me to hear of another family breaking up. I understand that marriage and values differ country to country but I am a big believer in a happy family and doing whatever it takes to keep the unit strong, whether it be together or apart..

Sometimes affairs can be stress related, and sometimes workplace environments do have an impact on the marital bliss of a long term couple. It takes many important changes in order for the same mistake not to repeat itself, quite often more affairs may happen that could be due to the cheating partner feeling like the past is being held against them, and so there needs to be a real opportunity for frank and full disclosure of events, in order for there to be healing, trust rebuilt and forgiveness.

Alongside the emotional system and stability that was once created by the couple, the admitting partner should try to acknowledge the financial vulnerability placed upon the heartbroken spouse, and some implication has arisen that marital assets have been squandered where it shouldn’t have. I think that has created alot of resentment, and some people would remark that it is quite unfair.

Steps have to be taken where both adults would agree in what ways they can be both mature about handling financial and responsibility towards the children and pets if any are involved. It would also be relevant for each partner to not introduce the affair mister/mistress to the children, nothing would be more damaging and hurtful to the children, even if over time they accepted it, a caring parent would not trigger nor test the hearts of their children. I advise not bribing with Disney trips or chocolates or gifts to ease the pain, it just simply harbours more anger on behalf of the heartbroken spouse, please try to come up with a plan, there maybe conflict but it would be better to acknowledge the mistake and take ownership in order to create change and dialogue.

Likewise, some affairs just don’t stop, the deception and lies that have had happened so much over the course of time, that the affair continues unnoticed, its become habit, like second nature that the cheating partner is no longer recognizable as the once faithful partner and upholder of the relationship. Sometimes because they feel it is unfair that they have provided so much support for very little attention and affection and acknowledgement, and so the affair becomes a drug, intoxicating and providing much relief and escape.

A marriage is one which should have been a place of harmony, security and emotional treasures, a place where children feel safe and family secrets remain guarded. Affairs on the contrary are almost on the cusp of a secret double life. Women as much as men may betray the harmony of the family institution. This is why counseling can be quite honest and revealing. It may not be for everyone but it may bring some closure before options for divorce are considered.

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