Bringing the dreams of the heart into internet

I have changed as a person through writing. I surrounded myself with experts and professionals because after a certain point in my circumstances, friends and family were no longer enough to get me the support I truely needed. I know what matters to me and what values I possess and no matter what I faced I truely tried to hold onto those spiritual and nature moments by spending abit more time with mother nature. I truely feel green forestry and gardening helped me.

I went through something difficult and so i used so many coping and grounding skills to help offer virtual solutions. I also see more parents of the view that they would like to spend more time with their children and parents in their elder years because #covid ruined their income, their livelihood and their family.

I provided suicide support for ages absolutely #free of charge but I became burned out. This is why I stayed away from #wordpress. I wanted to see good news so this i why email and talk will only be used for strength based coping strategies and genuinely helping virtual offices #thrive. @figflexoffices in Bristol.

We all want these #Wars to end and the #world to #heal.

You can find me on #social media #facebook and #whatsapp. EMail me nnfoltherapy@gmail.com i you would like to start your journaling with me

@fountainoflight of facebook for personalised social media advice.

THE FIVE PHASES OF LOVING AGAIN AFTER LOSS

Nobody said anything about having to learn to love again after loss.

Attempting to love again the way we used to before loss will never work.

As you know I very rarely talk about romantic love after loss.

The work that I am here to do has to do with the journey back to the core self, not with finding someone new to love.

It has to do with learning to trust our own wisdom again.

Only when we do that then love shows up, but not the way you think.

For those who don’t know this about me I have been remarried and love in ways I never thought I could love and be loved.

But before I got there I went through some tough phases.

Phase 1: The ‘I will never love again’ phase

I said those words many times. I meant it every single time.

When someone we loved so deeply is no longer in our lives we can never imagine loving anyone else.

It’s almost impossible to even comprehend the possibility of new love. You cannot possibly feel love in your heart after loss. Your whole existence is numb. You cannot imagine ever loving anyone.

When you try to, it feels more like anxiety than pleasure of any kind. You feel incapable of loving.

And to be honest there is a part of this feeling that is permanent. Just a part though.

Be ok with this phase, it has to take place. You have to acknowledge your feelings of ‘never again.’ It is part of the journey. Plus it is partially true. We will never love this way again. And that is more true than anything I know.

Phase 2: The fear phase

The first moment I felt a small glimmer of love for my now husband I immediately felt so much fear that it felt like a panic attack. I never used to have panic attacks. I thought I was losing my mind. So in the beginning of the relationship I was more afraid than in love.

And because of that I was not very nice to him at first.
I was very difficult, to say the least, and not very loving. It took a year or two for the fear and anxiety to lessen.

When your heart has been through so much loss it doesn’t just go back to loving. It goes into a very different place. It goes to fear, anxiety and trauma.
You are going to be cold.
You are going to be difficult.
You are not going to be easy to deal with.
And that is ok.
Please know you are not becoming an unkind person.
You are just learning to love again and finding your new identity in the midst of it all.

Coming back to life is not a sprint but a marathon with an obstacle course or two.

Phase 3: Only angels allowed

We cannot date or become friends with people who are not the kindest people.
They have to be so kind that you wonder if they are angels on earth.
If you have experienced a tragedy, a loss that has destroyed you, please never let someone in who does not make you feel like the most important person in the world.
This person must also be very understanding and grateful to have you in their life just the way you are. They will have to understand your trauma, your anxiety and the temporary experience of numbness.
They have to be patient.
They have to be the best people you have ever met.
They are the only ones who get access to your heart.
When we only allow people in our lives that love us more than anyone else has ever loved us, then it also means that our self worth is higher.
Do you see the connection between the two?
When we let these incredible people into our lives it means that we know our worth. Anyone else who does not fit the above profile should not be anywhere near you. If you cannot find these people it is better to be on your own than to be with people who cannot love you as you are today.

Phase 4: It will never be like it was

Even when you have angels around you to love, and be loved by them, it will never be like it was. This love will feel more independent. More mature. More like the self that was created after loss. This experience might take quite a few years to find. It took me at least 8. This is the part of this letter that I find really hard to articulate. You see ‘perfect’ does not exist in our world after loss. Love like we see in the movies does not exist in our world after loss. Love after loss is more about connecting to ourselves, and being with people that get us, and love us with all of our wounds. Love after loss is about having the most healthy relationship we ever had.

Phase 5: Independence

The woman I am today loves her new husband like I always wished I could love someone.
Independent, with enough love, and enough detachment that allows for the most healthy relationship.
I have never felt more loved, and more me, and more independent. Maybe too independent sometimes. But that comes with us after loss. Some distance and some alone time is necessary for our well being. We are no longer who we used to be. We no longer love the same. And that’s ok. As long as we find our way out of fear, and into loving the angels we brought into our lives after loss, then that’s more than enough.

With new loves, and angels everywhere,
Christina
PS. I hope my book SECOND FIRSTS has found its way to you: https://www.amazon.com/Second-Firsts-Step-Step-Guide/dp/1401957064/

A gratitude journal can really improve self awareness of accomplishments most often looked over, it can be a breath of relief from feelings of trapped, feeling stuck, or incompetent. It can be difficult for empaths to allow their needs to be foremost, so instead of pleasing others, you’re being grateful and compassionate to yourself.

This past year has been interesting. It has been really hard to look at pain in the eye and address the walls it has caused, It has been hard stepping away from feeling like a victim of loss and transforming into a survivor.

Sometimes the loss is magnified because we haven’t taken the time to deal with the triggers and perhaps we weren’t  ready to dive into.

I was wondering what changes you felt enabled you to move forward and explore your true self? What changes took place in your routine that helped you re-map the way your mind thinks and feels?

Have you thought about exploring self-sabotaging beliefs, if so what are they? If you could draw upon your inner child and ask him or her, what they would want to change, what would they say?

Some people experiencing loss and pain experience the following :

Dead friendships that have no purpose or serve very little.

Business relationships built off of ego instead of love.

Loss of a soulmate who play with your heart in their hands.

Difficult boundaries with family members who fail to honour them.

Letting go of a well compensating career path.

When we choose to show up and do the work, we choose to say yes. Yes, to ourselves. Yes, to becoming a more aligned person. Yes, to healthier relationships. Yes, to growth. Yes to releasing what no longer serves us. It is definitely not easy to walk this path, it can be uncertain, it can expose you to feeling misunderstood, but it’s your path to become a more fulfilled person.

We can choose to let go, we can choose to overcome. We can choose to confront those self sabotaging thoughts.

How It Works

Groups can be as small as three or four people, but group therapy sessions often involve around eight to twelve individuals (although it is possible to have more participants). The group typically meets once or twice each week, or more, for an hour or two.

According to author Oded Manor in The Handbook of Psychotherapy, the minimum number of group therapy sessions is usually around six but a full year of sessions is more common. Manor also notes that these meetings may either be open or closed. In open sessions, new participants are welcome to join at any time. In a closed group, only a core group of members are invited to participate.

So what does a typical group therapy session look like? In many cases, the group will meet in a room where the chairs are arranged in a large circle so that each member can see every other person in the group.

A session might begin with members of the group introducing themselves and sharing why they are in group therapy. Members might also share their experiences and progress since the last meeting.

The precise manner in which the session is conducted depends largely on the goals of the group and the style of the therapist. Some therapists might encourage a more free-form style of dialogue, where each member participates as he or she sees fit. Other therapists instead have a specific plan for each session that might include having clients practice new skills with other members of the group.

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Clients feel various emotions before, during and after their first session.

Some clients may feel calmer, more supported and reassured.

Some clients may discuss domestic or past issues which can uncover deep feelings of self worth, and some new voices are aroused.

Let me begin by explaining that this is perfectly normal. This is one of the main reasons why I will be incredibly patient and supportive.

Some clients even males may find it really hard after the first session, even though during the session they felt heard, its the after effects, the uncertainty of the future that they feel unsure about.

What I do is I try to incorporate a sense of self as well as self care for the client, this is the reason why I follow up weekly to answer any questions.

Having a first session of therapy is about waking up the feelings beneath the thoughts, some people feel unable to express their true honest self to their family and friends around them and in therapy they arent used to discovering their thoughts with a therapist.

Someone once told me it’s like a snow globe. You have to shake it all up (& it looks chaotic) but then it settles. Snow globes are beautiful things.

If you are worried its okay to talk to me about it and I will find new creative pathways to cope during this healing process.