Breaking up with a co-worker

Hello, I thought we could try to dig deeper and work through the initial return to work anxieties you may be worried about. Work breakups are painful because seeing her every day makes it more difficult to forget and move on. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Seeing your ex at work every day also re-opens old wounds and stirs up painful thoughts and emotions. You also explained earlier that your colleagues were learning about the break up. I was wondering if your voice of anxiety could express itself, what would it be trying to say to you? At this situation, you may imagine light radiating from your colleagues, imagine yourself drawing in their light within you, imagine this light giving you strength as you absorb it. It may help with feelings of nervousness.

It sounds like you have made a suitable decision in going non contact. Sometimes no contact after a break up is so important for getting over someone, but no contact isn’t possible when you work with your ex. How do you get over your ex when you have to see them everyday, if you have to collaborate? Maybe she might date a different co-worker and the thoughts of flirtation scare you. Hopefully she doesn’t but remember there is always something to learn from every situation. Limiting contact with her maybe best.

If we take into consideration the Heart – Mind – Body – Spirit approach to healing it may help identify a variety of approaches for this situation, taking good care of yourself and getting healthy, moving forward into a future that you want. That is a part of the healing process.

  1. Heart – When the settings at work remain the same, it may leave the same emotional response when you see your ex. Think about new settings and surroundings at work to elevate you from the same old emotional responses you feel when you see her. You don’t need to relocate, small changes can make a big difference. Find at least one thing to alter and make that a symbol of how you will get over your ex. You might want to add an inspirational poster, or change the screen saver on your laptop. Maybe take something out of your office and leave the space empty or replace it with a symbol of healing and moving on in your life. Some people invest in anxiety pillows/cushions, put it on your abdomen at work when you feel uneasy. 

2) Spirit- Practicing acceptance. Acceptance can be so hard especially when missing your ex. The frustration the anger the denial can be really hard. trying to find ways and thoughts which support the acceptance process can really aid your mindset when you’re at work. When you see your ex again, your mind will reassure your heart that the reality of the break up is sinking in, you will feel less resistance to the break up if you ask yourself, “What is it about the break up I am resisting to end?”, “How can I gain what I have lost in a different way?”

Perhaps the fact that you want a second chance is withholding your spirit to accept it’s over for good.

Here is a self soothing healing exercise to practice when you miss her, or feel pain at the relationship no longer existing, the shame of it becoming public knowledge, or the fact that things will never be the same.

3) Mind-Imagine a mountain, an enormous mountain in the most beautiful landscape. Imagine it is embraced by heaping heavy clouds, take a deep breath. inhale for 3 exhale for 4, imagine the sun setting behind the mountain, the clouds can be any color you want. Deep breath in deep breath out. You are the mountain, the clouds are mercy and love and hope embracing you. Imagine abundance around you and within you, every breath you breathe has abundance, focus on the feeling of abundance. There are no bombs falling on your house, you are not in war and surrounded by death, you have light, a lot of it, abundance, you have so much self worth, you are a mountain, no matter what she says no matter what she threatens, no insecurity can take that abundance away, because it is yours. It belongs to you and it will always belong to you.

If you believe in fate or a Creator you may allow the energy of love to just flow through you (if you don’t imagine your parents love just embracing you)

3)Body -How does neediness contribute towards you lowering your boundaries?

How do the boundaries you worked so hard to create surrender to someone else’s needs?

This may be an uncomfortable topic for you so if you’re not ready to explore it yet, it’s perfectly fine. Can you think back to who your were before meeting your ex? Who were you and what did you enjoy doing? What did you feel you had to give up in order to keep her happy or stop her from leaving? Were there things you wish you hadn’t changed about yourself? 

When you think about these they serve a reminder that ‘You made so many sacrifices, you even gave up on some happiness in order to serve her happiness, and that shows how selfless you were, that is a good point of finding your own self worth.’

What would you like to do to regain the person and the purpose you felt you had before meeting her?

How could you self care and start eating and doing the things you really enjoyed that perhaps gave you some meaning. Sometimes when we give up on our boundaries, we can lose our sense of self worth. What activities would you like to do that you feel would increase your admiration in yourself? What five things have you achieved in the last 10 years? Make a list and stick it on your desk at work. Remind yourself how far you have come and no one can take your achievements away. If you make two small changes — one in your diet and one in your fitness plan — your body will rise to the challenge. This will lift your mood and attitude, which will give you more energy.

The more energy you have, the stronger you’ll feel. And if you feel strong, you’ll have the oomph you need to get over your ex-girlfriend even though you see reminders of her everyday.

What’s one small exercise or fitness tip you’ve always been curious about? Maybe you see men running at 5:30 am, or you drive by the pool every day after work. Maybe your company has a fitness room or even yoga classes! Challenge your body in new, unexpected ways. Choose to prioritize your health, and your body will reward you with strength and energy

5. Resilience. – Although you can’t help how you feel about her, perhaps you can choose the thoughts you focus on. I want to explore your child, adult and parent self later in the week to develop your resilience to comfort you in uncomfortable situations.

One way of stepping out of feeling sensitive is to tap into the smart rational part of yourself. Sometimes you may have to use your head and leave your heart and soul at home. Being a heart person and a person of soul is crucial to your identity and sense of self but when trying to accept and move on means tapping into the thoughts that will help you focus on your needs and stability.

I know it might be painful to mentally work through, but at work you need to be strong and level-headed, self forgiving and self compassionate to your needs so this resentment doesn’t build up and make the situation more painful. Later at home, or in the car you can cry. Crying at home is the best tool for finding relief as your soul heals.

Self forgiveness quotes will help you meditate towards letting go. Who inspires you? It could be Bruce Lee or Sir Winston, what have they remarked when it comes to forgiving yourself for the mistakes of your past?

Focus on what you’ve learned from this relationship and breakup. This experience has changed you in some way, hasn’t it?

Maybe you have learned how to trust your intuition? Maybe you have learned to self-care?

Maybe you have decided to explore your self worth before anxiety takes control.

Maybe dating a co-worker isn’t ideal for you right now? Maybe you have decided that rejection is a form of redirection? What do you feel this breakup is directing you towards? Maybe you are learning about the people who are there for you in your time of vulnerability? What are your needs and what is going to make you the best version of you? Who would you like to become on the other side of this pandemic or break up? What would enable you to become this person? Does she prevent you from becoming this version of yourself that you would truly like to be?

If she truly was “The One”, what are her behaviors that prove she actually wasn’t. If she was ‘The One’ she would not have broken up and refused to be there for you when you were vulnerable. The woman who would actually be ‘The One’ how would she have reacted? Would she have put everything down and sat down and held you when you needed someone to hold you and reassure your anxious thoughts? Maybe you don’t want to feel like you’re burdening her, so perhaps she could take just an hour a day with you till you’re better?

 How would ‘The One’ have responded to you in an anxious situation? Would she do activities with you to take your mind off things? Would she help find ways to sooth you and hold you during your moments of discomfort? Would she take you out for a drive to get you to take a step back and take a different look at things? or perhaps create a support network on social media to help find group support? How would ‘The One’ be there for you?

I am sorry for such a lengthy post, I just wanted to share some important insight to help you find ways to cope. We will be discussing more in depth later in the week, and this is a lot to work through, so take your time. All of these points are just to encourage the healing process to minimize the anxiety when at work. Let me know how it all goes. I am here for you. After you do this please find a way to reward yourself for working through this as its definitely not easy.